The picture on the left is from my junior year of college. 20 years old, and 200 lbs. It is also the day before I decided to change my life for the better. I decided that I wanted to be in the best shape of my life for my senior year of basketball. I had dreams of starting, but set my goals up as simple as, "I want to beat my 1 and 2 mile time goal time of 7:30 and 20:00"
So, I hopped up on a treadmill and ran every single day. I started out at an 8:30 pace. That was all I did. I warmed up, ran a mile, and I was done. I also, however, cleaned up my diet. I ate yogurt and granola every day for breakfast, egg white omelette with veggies for lunch, and had a grilled chicken wrap with fruit for dinner. Every single day. I wasn't really planning to lose weight. It was based more on my basketball performance. And as my time went down, my confidence slowly started to go up. I didn't really realize that I was losing weight until I had to dress up for a presentation and realized that the majority of my clothes were loose on me, and I had to borrow my roommates clothing. It was a giant shock to the people around me. I usually wore sweats every day, so no one noticed until I wore form fitting clothing. That was about two months into it- March of 2012. Feeling more confident, I upped my intensity and added distance to my running 2x a week.
While this was going on, not all the comments I received were entirely positive. Comments made about me on social media, talking about how I would never make it, or what I was doing was stupid, ran rampant. Not just from people I knew weren't a fan of me, but people whom I thought had my back as well, my own teammates, in fact.
The girls who were supposed to be my family, who supposedly had my back, whom I spent more time with during the school year than I did my own family, were openly mocking me. That one hurt. And while I did my best to ignore it and surrounded myself with people who supported me, it still got to me at times. How can you tear someone down who is trying to better themselves? Does it make you feel better as a person? Here I was, completely changing the person I had been my ENTIRE life, for 20 years, and I had people trying to bully me to the point of quitting. I didn't, however, and as spring semester turned into summer break, I was separated from those people and was able to concentrate solely on bettering myself. My mile time decreased to a 6:55, and my pace for a 5k was at roughly 8:15. And I couldn't believe it! Me, Kyle, the overweight, "big boned" girl who used to barely make it through a conditioning workout. The girl whose knees were so bad that doctors said they were at the condition of a 50 year old, whose doctor told me that I should never run more than a mile at a time, and recommended that I don't play basketball in fear of further damaging my knees beyond repair, I was running at a speed I would've never have dreamed of hitting before!
I officially hit 50 lbs lost in July, and was at around 165. By the time school started back up again, I had been to a couple of open gyms for basketball and felt elated. I was in the best cardio shape of my life! I could run and run and run and run while playing ball, and it gave me an advantage I never had before. I was so incredible stoked for my senior season. Finally, this was my year to shine. To give back to my team, and be more than a practice player. Everything I had worked so hard to do, had dreamed of, was finally coming to fruition. And, as luck would have it, that dream did not come true. I was dismissed from the basketball team before the season had even started, despite my obvious dedication to improving myself. When that happened, at 7:30am on a Monday morning (this was so the basketball coach could avoid making a spectacle, I had later on learned), I felt as though my life had no more meaning to it. The sport that I had learned to love, and dedicated so much time to, had been yanked viciously out from under my feet. It was such a huge part of my identity. When I would meet someone new, it was one of the first words out of my mouth. "Hi I'm Kyle and I'm a basketball player from Marietta College". I didn't know what to do. So I went on a run and ended up by the river. I'm going to be completely honest, I seriously contemplated jumping in at that point. Everything that I had been working towards for the past 8 months was gone. My future was gone- I wanted to coach college basketball- no one was going to take on a graduate assistant who had been kicked off her basketball team. What was the point for me? As I sat there watching the river and listening to the rush of water, I remembered what my old roommate told me. A year ago, basketball was all I had to my name. But now? There was so much more to me! I had proven that I had the dedication and determination to change my life. And if I could overcome 20 years of bad habits, then I could overcome this bump in the road. I truly believe that without her words, I may not still be standing here today, and I will forever be grateful for that. So I wiped my tears off my face, stood up, and ran back to my dorm.
It took a long time for me to recover from that. I lived and breathed basketball. Losing my senior year of playing, it felt to me like I was in mourning, and I was. I was saying good bye to a huge part of my life. I had been a student athlete since I was 8 years old.
Eventually though i recovered, only to be faced with another setback. I was stuck in a boot for 10 weeks, and was on crutches for 8 to try to heal a injured foot that I had broken the year before playing basketball (and continued to play/run on broken... My pain tolerance is off the charts when I'm determined). So I switched from running to biking, and would bike anywhere from 90 to 120 minutes, trying to avoid gaining weight. Once I had my boot off, I jumped back into running, but I didn't have the same fire under my butt as I did before. I was very lax on it, and put some more weight back on. By the time I graduated college that spring, running was more of a "when I feel like it" deal. So I jumped into weights- mainly because my boyfriend at the time loved to lift, and I wanted to impress him when he came back from his internship in Texas. Well, we broke up, but I kept on lifting. And I'm so glad that I did!
So I kept with lifting and for the longest time was a "clean eater", but I struggled with bingeing. And until I sought help, I didn't realize that what I struggled with (and still do) is a binge eating disorder. I hoard food and hide my eating habits from those whom I know, bingeing and eating up to 3000 calories in a sitting, then feeling guilty about it and trying to run/lift it off. There are so many people out there who struggle with this and don't realize that their restrictive eating habits feed into bingeing. So I picked up flexible dieting. It's allowed me the opportunity to eat the foods I want, and to not feel guilty. I see food as fuel now, and have realized that a 1200 calorie, low fat diet just drove me to bingeing. At 2300 calories on a "cut" now, I'm not afraid of carbs. I do struggle with certain trigger foods still, and avoid them when I feel the need to- but I've learned to add more balance in my life with food.
Lifting has changed so much for me. I went from "I don't want to be bulky" to "GIVE ME ALL THE MUSCLES". I feel stronger, more confident, and overall happier with who I am. It's given me so much to look forward to, and shown me that I can push my boundaries and challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone. At this point, I'm planning on competing in a bodybuilding contest in late March. I may be a little overzealous with what I post on social media, but I've had so many people come up and tell me or message me what an inspiration I've been to that. And if I can indirectly challenge one person, help change even one persons' lifestyle, then it's all worth it. Because one thing that I've learned from all this is to not let a few bad apples get in the way of my hopes and dreams. I would get down on myself from time to time from my so called "family", aka teammates who stabbed me in the back (just a select few, not all of them), and would feel like quitting. So I in turn went to social media for motivation. As corny as it may sound, the "fitfam" on social media has been more supportive than some of the people I've spent the most time with. So if someone else is in the same unsupported position that I was, I want them to feel as though they have that support via the interwebz.
So I apologize for the lengthiness of this post, but I felt the need to share. It's not easy for me to admit my vulnerabilities and faults like this, but again, I want everyone to know that their struggle in regaining a healthy lifestyle doesn't have to be a lonely one. I am here for you, as are countless others, and I will always champion someone who is earnestly trying to get in the gym, educate themselves and get better. I want people who are struggling to feel free to share their story, and not be afraid of repercussions from people who haven't had to fight for anything in their life, and seemingly don't have want for anything. I'm not writing this as a, "Nyah Nyah, look at me succeeding in spite of you assholes", instead, I'm trying to showcase that this road isn't easy. I'm not perfect and will never claim to be. But I'm extremely grateful for those who helped uplift me. So thank you to my close friends who did encourage me. You helped sculpt my life into a much healthier and happier one.